Roadtrips and Weather

I find myself front seat passenger this afternoon, cruising in our F-150 as my family drives my eldest of three daughters back to college for her Spring semester. It’s a rare rainy afternoon and the windshield wipers provide a comforting whroo-whroo/whroo-whroo, while my husband and I debate toll-roads, and soak in the banter of three teenage females in the backseat who are eeeking out the final moments of sister-secrets, before we again, temporarily, become a family of two locales.

Having a child leave for college has been everything I expected, and not what I anticipated at all; which seems fitting, because that is a pretty fair comparison to all things motherhood.  It’s difficult to describe the state of empty-nesting that occurs when a nest still contains two chicks, but we have been a family of five for so long, that being absent one child feels akin to missing a limb.  I feel it deep- the missing. And sometimes it is not so much the missing, as the worrying, and sometimes it is not so much the worrying as the void. One less plate at dinner, one less goodnight kiss, one less…one less.  And then, mixed in with the empty is the fullness of pride, of excitement, of satisfaction that she is coming into her own, and growing up, and becoming even more of who she is meant to be. This child, who I nursed, taught to tie her shoes, cried over, laughed with, stood by, labored through, this individual who represents eighteen plus years of attention and energy, is living her own life and pursuing her own dreams.

On the other hand, having one less child under our roof, means one less schedule to manage, one less girl sharing the front bathroom, and more time to lean into those who remain. And after emerging from what felt like a four-month fog, I am regaining a bit of myself; a little more prepared to let my oldest spread her wings, and ready to shake off the tightness in my chest and begin to lean in to, myself, again. 

A journey North, another chapter begun, rain on the windshield, and hope in my heart.

❤️ Melissa Johnson